attitudes

[mthrlangl]

Why is it that when you start treating someone the way they treat you they call you a b*tch? And when you tell them that you're treating them the way they've been treating you, they just roll their eyes? It's hard work being nice to people who don't give a rat's ass about you :(

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[possum37]

It's pretty simple actually. They're @$$holes. They wouldn't treat you the way they are if they weren't. They wouldn't roll their eyes at you when you bring up the fact that they've mistreated you. They obviously don't care about you - don't waste your time with them by trying to care for them. They'll suck all the energy out of you and make it tougher for you to be nice to the other people in yoru life whom you care about.

Treat them civilly - but *only* civilly.

Just my 2¢ :)


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My knob tastes funny.

[mthrlangl]

::sigh:: See, he's one of the few people that I feel like I *do* have to make an effort with. I'd rather not break up with him..not now http://www.aliensoup.com/ubb/smilies/cry.gif I wrote him this big long letter about how I have my set time limit (the end of this year) for things to at least start getting better between us, or I'm leaving. Period. (I think this is turning into something for Advice, but oh, well.) At any rate, I think that's *MORE* than enough time. (He resents me, and therefore totally ignores me, for wanting to keep the baby.) My mom, aunt, and uncle are prolly moving to Connecticut or Massachusetts at the end of this year, and, right now, it looks like I'm going with them. I wrote him this big, long letter today, and actually sent it through the mail instead of email, telling him the way I feel and that I'm not afraid to leave him anymore, but that he has time to change my mind. I hope he does :'(

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[JHowse]

Yeah, he's treating you with such disrespect when it is clear that you love him very much. *sigh* I wished he would just stop and think what he's got. He should be sooooooooo thankful! I mean, if you didn't love him, you wouldn't be giving him so much time to change, but I learned with my ex that there has to be a time when all efforts will only cause resentment and limited success, if any. I think what I said before about some vacation time may be helpful, here, if there is anyway you can swing it. Hang in there.

[JHowse]

Just to tack on to what I said. Maybe some "mini" vacations would be a good idea. Do you have friends other than your bf you can spend time with? I mean just go out and get away from that situation. Go to the park. Go exercise (within reason). Join something to get your mind off of it. Give your bf the time he wants to play his games, but leave him to do it, alone. Hopefully, he will see you as drifting away and want to come closer.

There is a book to read. It's called Pursuit and Distance: The Best Dance in Town. It might give you perspective on the whole thing.

I really do hope it works out.

[mthrlangl]

::sigh:: No, the majority of my friends are either in Florida, or away at school. And every time I try to make plans with the few I have up here, they fall through. Plus, I don't want to listen to how awful they think he is or how I should be leaving now. I know that in 3 or 4 years, he'll be looking back and wishing things had been different, and maybe try to come back, and I pointed out to him in my letter that I couldn't promise him I'd still be there when he started to regret it. I seem to have the worst luck with guys. My last boyfriend (who also, unfortuantely, is an ex-fiance) was horrible, and I thought that maybe this time things were going to work out and be happy and I'd get my fairy tale ending, but now I just feel like a statistic. My proudest accomplishment today is not breaking down again at work.

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[Alien]

Hey...

I think getting out and doing something else with your time is a good idea, whether or not you have local friends to do it with. Go see a movie, hang out in a bookstore, walk a mall, do something to get out often and see how that goes. Spend a little time with yourself. You're pretty cool. :) You will have alot less time to do this sort of thing in 9 months anyway. You have tried everything else, leave him alone a little while so he has quiet time to think (or play his games)? Either way, it helps you to see what his reaction would be.

If someone gave me that time, I'd be asking them within a couple of days if they wanted 'to do something with me'. Heh. Then again, I'm not human.

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Alien - Administrator / Owner
["Everything was true. God was an alien. Oz really is over the
rainbow. ...and Midian is where the monsters live." -Nightbreed]

[Alien]

This got too advice oriented eh?

See, I just got wrapped up in it too. Eek!

It happens. :)

...moving to advice! ;)

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Alien - Administrator / Owner
["Everything was true. God was an alien. Oz really is over the
rainbow. ...and Midian is where the monsters live." -Nightbreed]

[mthrlangl]

I've tried going out by myself. I did it all last weekend, in fact. I went to our company picnic alone (he slept til 4:30 that afternoon), and the next day I went out shopping and took myself to lunch. Nothing from him at all. He just played Asheron's Call..woo-hoo. Right now, I'm just not doing anything for him. I'm not cooking, not cleaning (except when the dogs have an accident or something), not washing his clothes, not picking up after him, and being about as cool and distant as possible. I set the alarm clock for him, and he doesn't bother to get up, so when we have about 20 or 30 minutes before we need to leave, I go in and tell him that if he's not ready in that amount of time, I'm going without him. And today, I was informed that he resents me. Isn't that lovely? One of my friends told me that he's upset because he thinks my mom and I have baby names all set and picked out. He doesn't even know when my doctor's appointments are. Why the f*ck should he care about the baby's *NAME*?!? )@(#$*)(@#&$)(@*&@#$)*!!! UGH.

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[JHowse]

Sounds like he is a bit immature. Maybe you should write a note to him to explain that you really do care very much about him and that you are doing this in hopes that you can reflect and think what you might be doing to hurt the relationship.

The idea here is to not make him look bad, now, but to make him think that hey, she is looking to fix this, maybe I should try the same thing, too.

I don't know, but keep doing things on your own. Why don't you go out with your coworkers more? I work with a bunch of people my age and we do stuff all the time. Perhaps you also have a compadre of coworkers you can go have fun with. Just some ideas. Going to a movie, alone, is always a good thing, too.

Just some ideas.

[mthrlangl]

Letter writing? I've done it out the wazoo. I've written him *SO* many letters. This time, I just flat out told him how I felt, from the fact that I see him as selfish to that I want this to work more than anything but I'm not afraid to leave. He should get it tomorrow. Whether or not it'll do any good..::shrug:: Either way, I've committed myself to five months. Oh, and I told him that I wrote to Dell asking them how I'd go about returning a computer. (It's on my credit card, and I told him that I wasn't going to be replaced by a machine that he has because of me.)

(BTW, I wan't being rude on IM, but one of the brokers was trying to talk to me.)

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[JHowse]

It's ok. You did say you were at work. Anyways, I only suggested a note just because it is hard to argue against that.

You are right for trying to get it to work due to the baby. I do wish it would work out. Just hang in there.

Lots of hugs,

Jon

[mthrlangl]

It's not just because of the baby, although it is playing a major role. But the bottom line is just that I love him. I know how sweet and loving and caring and *NICE*. He used to tell me that I was pretty and give me hugs and just go off on random silliness that made me laugh. I know that I have to live in reality, but I can't forget that about him. I don't *want* to lose him - baby or no baby. ::sob::

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[JHowse]

Well, that being the case, you should try to make it work. :) Your bf really is lucky to have you. I pray he will open his eyes to the seriousness of the situation, but I fear he thinks you won't do anything, ever. I know you will do something, but unfortunately, perception is everything. So we need to figure out a way to get through to him. What are some ideas?

Well, keep trying to do things seperate from him and keep up with what you said about not doing so much for him. In fact, he should be helping you as you are the one who is pregnant. If you get a chance to go home for a long weekend, take it!!! http://www.aliensoup.com/ubb/smilies/lol.gif It will be a good break. If you like to read, perhaps find a different place to go. If you can work overtime at work, perhaps do that. You need to find happiness on your own, right now, and when your bf sees that you aren't always around as he would like, he will have to change. I mean, his comment to his friends about you suggests that he is getting some kind of hint. Keep up your idea of distancing. It should bring him back closer, eventually. Well, got to go home. Talk to you later.

Jon

[possum37]

Hmmmm...when I responded to yoru first post, I had assumed you were speaking of a co-worker, not your SO. Upon reflection, though, I have to wonder if the advice still holds true. I also have to wonder if you're fully thinking things thru here. In one post you say:

It's hard work being nice to people who don't give a rat's ass about you.

In the next it's:

He resents me, and therefore totally ignores me, for wanting to keep the baby.

In yet another:

I went to our company picnic alone (he slept til 4:30 that afternoon), and the next day I went out shopping and took myself to lunch. Nothing from him at all. He just played Asheron's Call..woo-hoo.

And today, I was informed that he resents me. Isn't that lovely?

You then finish it all off by saying:

But the bottom line is just that I love him. I know how sweet and loving and caring and *NICE*.

mthrlangl, I think you know how very well-liked you are around here. If there's anyone around who *doesn't* like you, I don't know who it is, and if I did, I and about 20 other people on the boards here would head over and kick their @$$ straight away. With that being said, let me also say that it's rough hearing about you butting your head against this steel-reinforced concrete wall. I know you love him, you've made that quite clear in many different posts. But I have to wonder if there might not be a little self-destructiveness and/or unhealthiness there as well.

To be honest, you're expressing behaviors commonly seen in abused women. "He does X, Y, and Z, and I don't like it & wish he'd change, but I love him." Fill in X, Y, and Z with anything from "beats me" to "lies to me" to "cheats on me" to "ignores me".

I think it's good that you're looking to friends for support...I have to wonder though, especially with a young one on the way, if you might not want to look to some sort of professional help as well. I really think that would do you some good. Professionals have seen others in similar situations, and can help you plan out a course of action to change the situation.

You're too great a person to be hurting all the time. We all think so. Take action to end the hurt.

We're behind you no matter what you decide to do - remember that. :)


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My knob tastes funny.

[mthrlangl]

Well, like I've said, I have a time limit. He hasn't done anything physical, so I'm not particularly worried. And I know that I sound like I'm an abused woman..I've noticed that myself. That's why I told him that I've set a limit for things to work out. He said that he wanted me to stay up here instead of moving back to Florida, and I think he meant it. I realize that, yes, I am making excuses for him, but I've never been the kind of person to give up without a fight. Of course, if it ever got to a point *beyond* stress, then I'd pack up and go. Right now, though, ::sigh:: I dunno. It's just..hard. It sucks. Blech.

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[JHowse]

I agree with the advise on seeking some sort of couseling. There is *no* shame in it. In fact, I would be extremely proud of you for taking such a proactive step in trying to make things better. Perhaps relationship counseling would do some good. The issue has to do with three things...communications, sharing of responsibilities, and expectations for level of interaction. These are the three big themes I see in all of your posts. A relationship counselor would make short work of these issues by encouraging you two to come to an exceptable level that you both can be happy with.

I have to echo that you are well liked. In fact, reading your thread for advise made me come out of the lurking shadows. I do want things to work out with you two, but I also don't want to see you so miserable. You have SOOOO MUCH to offer someone, so remember that. :)

Here for ya anytime.

[mthrlangl]

I mentioned couselling to him and got absolutely no response. Maybe if I actually find someone and make an appointment, he'll come with me. Who knows at this point? I just hope that the letter I wrote him gets my point across. I mean, I understand that this is definately a big - giant - step for us, and I can even understand resentment, to some extent, but I don't understand the shutting me out part. Another part of my reasoning behind staying til the end of this year is so I can save up some money. I mean, my parents said they'll take care of me, but it would be an awful strain on them to do so. So, I have my reasons, but I'm not going to stay longer than that if things are still poopy http://www.aliensoup.com/ubb/smilies/indiff.gif

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[Alyth]

I really do understand your situation, but it seems like you've tried this over and over again and he is just not responding well. He's responding just enough to keep you around, because he might be scared of being alone. That's no reason to keep you around, cause it will only hurt the both of you in the end. As far as councelling, there isn't anything wrong with going alone either. He does need it, but if he doesn't go with you there is nothing wrong with going on your own for your own advice. Having a baby and especially in the situation you are having I would think it would be nice to have someone to help you through the emotions. There is nothing shameful about finding a professional to talk to and sort out the feelings and issues you are having. We will always be here for you but we can only give you friendly advice but a psychologist is also nice to have (I have been seeing one and found it nice to have someone to listen to me and giving me advice from a professional point of view). As far as what Possum said about abuse, it seems you are abusing yourself alot by putting up with this. He may be mentally abusing you by stressing you out so much and not trying to please you unless you threaten him with leaving, but you have got to see that you deserve so much better than this. I know you love him...that is obvious, but in some cases, love is not enough. You seem to have more love for him than he does for you. I hate being blunt, but I also hate seeing you like this. He probably doesn't realise how good he has it and how good he could make this. He's a blind fool if he won't see that!

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"I've been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding..."

LOVE ME LOVE MY DOG

[mthrlangl]

::sigh:: These are all things that I've thought of myself. I don't particularly like hearing the confirmation of them, although, I do appreciate the bluntness and caring of all of you. I know that I'm only 19, and that I have my whole life ahead of me. I know that mentally, at least, and I would prolly know it emotionally if I let myself. ::sigh:: I dunno. It's just..I dunno. It's so confusing. I guess I'll see how he reacts to my letter, and then change/confirm plans according to that. Thanks for reminding me (again) about the cousellor (sp?). I'm gonna go look around yahoo for one in my area now.

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[mthrlangl]

::grumble:: The one that sounded most promising didn't pick up. ::sigh:: I'll try again later, I guess..

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[Boone]

Mthrlangl

I am new to this site and while I have never posted here before I would like to offer some advice. You see your situation sounds like a relationship that I was in a few years ago. You see I was with a girl who was (is) sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and madly in love with me. And while I was madly in love with her I did the same exact thing that your boyfriend is doing to you. Eventually when the break up came it was because she stopped loving me, so she decided to leave. Well at this time I fully came to my senses and realized what was happening and tried so hard to get her back, because you see I did love her more than I thought I could ever love anyone. But no matter what I did I couldn’t get her back. And now I have to pay the price.

I’m sorry I don’t mean to make this a sob story about me but I had to give you some background info. You see the only mistake she made was that she should have left me sooner; I did not see how I was hurting her or our relationship. What she should have done was left my stupid ass (while she still loved me) and let me realize the error of my ways. Maybe then when I realized what I had lost and loved, maybe we could have gotten back together.

Some might say this is wishful thinking but I have had two years to think about what I have done and what I have lost. And in that time while we are still friends (on a very limited basis) she is now with someone else and has been engaged for little over a month now. My advice is that maybe you should leave him for a while and let him see what life is like without you maybe then he will realize how unique and special you are. This is not an easy thing to do but it can sometime be for the best. But only you can decide how to handle the situation, you are the one in it.

Anyway this is just my advice based on personal experience and you can do whatever you want with it. I only wish you the best. Because from what I’ve read you and your friends on this site are really nice people. Too bad there is not enough of them on this planet.



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[mthrlangl]

Well, we're supposed to be going out for dinner and a movie tonight to "talk." I hope that this goes better than all of the other times we were supposed to talk. I don't feel like spending the night staring at my pizza or whatever while he plays with straw wrappers. Wish us luck.

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin

[mthrlangl]

Okay. For once, we actually talked when we said we would talk. He's shutting me out because he's confused, which I totally understand. I don't *like* it, but I understand. I told him that he should have told me that in the first place, too. We both knew that things weren't going wonderfully well with the relationship, but this adds a whole new dimension to it, obviously. So, now the main question is do we try to work things out right now or go our separate ways for a while? Personally, I'm still sticking to my end of the year thing. I think that even if things start going better, it might be best if I move away for a while, just to let things continue to settle. Opinions?

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You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. - Calvin