what do ya think?

[YesIndeed]

Please comment on what you think of this poem that I wrote.

Molten Tears

Words are flying everywhere
I need some peace and space
Everyone’s emotions are spilling o’er the brim,
Everyone is losing control,
But I can’t feel anything.

I can feel nothing at all
I look around,
There are tear-stained faces everywhere
Is it my fault?
So it must be, if I am so devoid of feeling.

How on earth would I cause so much anguish?
Am I the bad person of everyone’s dreams?
Am I the subject of gossip,
As the helpless lamb to the hungry lion?

What could I have done?
I cannot puzzle it out.
I am bewildered, and without hope.

Suddenly all noise ceases,
And the wailing stops
The tear-stained cheeks are molten
Burning with strange flame.

Slowly they fare towards me
All their eyes are glazed
But coldness overrules me
I am as one dazed.

Molten tears flow o’er me,
Hot with burning ash
Loneliness assails me
As molten tears flow cold.

I am covered with a brittleness
A siege I cannot break
A cap on bodily powers
Yet like a moving lake.

O’er and o’er I think this
I think that if I break
If I break they will feel new
Then disappears their heartaches wake.

[Prox]

Wow that was really good. Do you write much poetry. If so post more post more.

[YesIndeed]

lol!! And yeah, I do write a lot. So here's some more for ya :)

Bitterness and Pain

Once sweet, now bitter
When lips and lips touch
Now sweet, once bitter
The caress of a lovers hand.

Once felt, now remember
That crashing block and sliding pain
Then crushes her up against the rock
Kissing, touching, feeling
So that she must feel the same

Up against a cruel rock face
She can hardly move
He reaches over, pushing her
His tongue cruel and hard.

His breathing comes in short, quick gasps
Hers stays the same
He is violating, cheapening her,
She pushes him off
He pushes back,
He cries out to her,
She answers not, for she only feels pain.

Again his tongue is in her mouth,
She against rock
His hands go where no others have been
She rolls over, it is hard to breathe.

She knows that he will never love her
For he loves another
But she is not to be had,
So he chooses her,
Uses her.

[Bob]

whoah, that stuff rules .. i got some poetry written but it has a lot of strong lanuage in it .. http://nescient.deviantart.com .. they are accessible from their.

[YesIndeed]

How dare she: That's really good. Really good - s'pecially for a first! I'd be proud of that if I were you. I like it. It reminds me of the same guy I wrote Bitterness and Pain about. That's kinda how I felt with that one.

[Bob]

Thanks a lot YesIndeed .. I'm still pretty pissed off at the person I wrote that about.

[Prox]

Damn YesIndeed that is some really powerfull stuff. I really like it. Keep it commin.

[Alien]

That's really some poems.. I definatly felt the imagery there..

I hope to read more sometime. :D

*** Oh and let's not forget there are tons of old stuff here too, so make sure you read alot of the older poems also that you might not have gotten to see before! ***

[Bob]

Will do Alien, when I got time. (I know that was directed at YesIndeed but I doubt you'll mind if I look through some of the older posts on this forum .. ) :)

How I get any work done since I have rediscovered this place I don't know ... :)

[YesIndeed]

Thanx Prox :)

Alien: I already have had a bit of a squiz, I plan on going through it thoroughly sometime soon.

Hahahaha... You poor fools... You asked me to post more!!

Mighty Is He!

Mighty is he,
And king of his domain,
He stalks his prey,
And for dinner they are slain,
Birds of the wild,
Rats of the ground,
The birds will tumble,
And fall all around,
The rats will all scramble,
But be left maimed and hurt,
Nothing can stop him,
Not even the dirt.

The Zebra, the Lioness,
Both cringe at the sight,
Of this mighty Lion,
Of large appetite.

In mountainous regions,
On plains flat and dry,
The long grasses rustle,
The Eagles will cry,
“Here comes the Lion,
Close your doors tight”
Then all the animals vanish from sight.

Lonely he walks now,
His head is not high,
“What have I done,
To make you run and hide?”
And suddenly he realises,
What is not right,
“I’m sorry,” came the twisted call,
Into the blank night.

All those who heard him,
Poked their heads out,
Wondering what had come over their master,
To make him shout,
Was he not fearless?
He was without doubt.

Yet as still the cry echoed,
They were chilled to the bone,
So full of emotion,
He was granted a true throne.

Oh, how wondrous,
So utterly good,
To be respected,
By those who fear you,
For was it not said in death of the night,
“I’m sorry, I tell you, I want to be right.”

[Bob]

That kicks ass YesIndeed, whats your real name by the way? I'm hoping its easier to type than YesIndeed. :P

[YesIndeed]

lol... thanx... and it's Natalie... or Nat :D

(On yahoo everybody calls me magenta!)

[YesIndeed]

Untitled
Black smiles
Twisted skies
Drops of red ink
Stain my room
Plunking quietly
With a soft drip-drip.

Gnawing pain and
Serrated pieces
Entwine themselves
In each other.
Serrated pieces
Cause gnawing pain
And gnawing pain,
Serrated pieces.

[Bob]

Thats some damn good stuff, you should join Deviant Art, that place is built for poets and artists and whatnot, and you got some real talent!! :)

[Prox]

Talent Yesindeed (pun intended) . . . you really write some powerfull stuff. I really enjoy reading it. I can tell that it is comming from your heart.

[YesIndeed]

Yeah, it did, but I'm not so sure that's a good thing to be having coming from your heart....

[Prox]

Its a good thing for a couple reasons,
1)It makes for kick ass Poetry
2)Its not good to keep these kinds of emotions bottled up inside. By writing these things you help relese the negative energy. (this is the most important reason its a good thing)

So when feeling negative write another great poem and things will look up slightly :)

[YesIndeed]

:lol: okay!!

[Bob]

Nat, you're write some really hard, and truly inspiring stuff. Thank You.

[YesIndeed]

:shy: Thanx ppl

I wrote this one for a friend of mine who has been banned from communicating with me because his parents don't like me (and this is back when I was still pretty well!!). His name was Grant, he was a real sweetie... he was the first person that I went to for help... it kind of sucked being banned from talking to your best friend.

Religious Beliefs
Black dome of stars,
Balls of burning fire,
Hindus religion,
Spark white mans ire.

Who are these white men?
Why do they ire?
They do not respect,
Balls of burning fire.

Why see they not,
Our religious beliefs,
As truth and not fables,
So one day be free?

White man will tell you,
To stop your beliefs,
Why not listen,
They promise you can be free.

They speak of a Spirit,
Shining and bright,
Of One so holy,
That heaven needn’t a light.

They say that He loves you,
That He really does care,
But that doesn’t mean much,
Who knows if He’s there?

Not white man’s God they say,
Not white man’s God
Creator of everything,
Need you be told?

Love and security,
They are the gifts,
He promises to give you,
When you acknowledge with your lips.

His angles here protect you,
But you will still get sick,
He will always love you,
His son, our saviour,
His life was no trick.

A sacrifice forever,
An atonement for our sin,
In love the perfect lamb was gi’n,
So that we might join with Him
And forever sing His glory,
And give praise true,
We’ll sing them for eternity,
Yet still more praise is due.

[YesIndeed]

Bob: :blush: :shy:

SOUNDS
I am living in an ambient world of vibrations
Sounds are harsh and high
Wood on wood is falling
Around me sound does fly
Thumping, falling, burning
Relentlessly through the night.

Wood and nails hold together this place on which I sit
Fingers reaching through my hair
Numbing ears and mind
Now the dust is slowly stirring,
Into swirls below my feet
Softly coating everything around me
Comes to rest where waters meet.

All my troubles rising, falling
All the beauty that I see
Will be multiplied a thousand times
When I meet eternity.

[Bob]

You got banned from seeing your best friend? That really does suck, the poem you wrote about it is excellent though.

Did you ever think of making a website with a collection of your poems on it?

[victoronehalf]

WOW, Nat, all those poems are fantastically excellent. My favorite was probably Untitled. It worked VERY well

[jadedskies]

I think 'Sounds' is the first one you've posted that I hadn't yet seen. :)

I think it's one of the best of yours I've seen yet. :)

[YesIndeed]

Dave: Yeah, I usually keep these last ones out of veiw of ppl, cause they're not as good as they could be.

Bob: Nah, I'd never thought of making a website... too much work involved!! :D

Life’s Sailing Boat
The gray life screen my ink awaits
To record my joys and heartaches
But the feeling of a human touch
Is said to be lost on such.

In life’s boat I rock and mourn
For my tender heart yet young was torn
Out from by chest by hardened teeth
Seeking what lay underneath.

The feelings of remorse and pain
Will ever visit me again
Of a seeming lifetime spent on a boat
In loveless seas and putrid moats.

The tenderness of childhood wrecked
I tossed and turned upon the deck
And covered in my own gray blood
Thought forever I had ceased to love

When you came upon the deck
You saw a worn and heartless wreck
Yet with tender hands did seek to make
Somewhat of a safer place

Enfolded in your arms I knew
That my gray-colored days were through
And with my new and beating heart
A crimson kiss I did impart

Though streaks of gray still get me down
I remember how my red was found
Not in the colored scenes of day
But on a dull, dark screen of gray.

[jadedskies]

Nat: Bah. You've got FrontPage. It'd take you about 10 minutes to set up! :)

[Prox]

Once again you your poetry skills are great. And yes you should do a web site. If you dont want to do it and you want one, I could play with doing one for you. I need to learn html better, and this would give me a good excuse. Oh and I would do it free of corse. You would just have to tell me what you wanted and I would figure out how to do it. I just couldnt promise to have it on any time frame.

[YesIndeed]

Thanx guys. :)

Oh yeah, I'm always open to a bit of constructive critism. :)

[Bob]

Nat: My latest project, www.nescience.org, is exactly for people like you, people who have real talent but don't want the hassle of setting up a website, you will be able to submit poems and stuff and have them displayed for all to see!!

[STUCKINHELL]

TO THIS I RAISE MY CUP
CELEBRATE MY FRIEND
CAUSE WHEN THE TIME IS NEAR
TO FEEL NO FEAR
YOU'LL KNOW SUCCESS IN THE END

NOT BAD HUH? I DON'T LIKE TO RYHME WITH POETRY. I DO FREE VERSE. MY POETRY IS IN POETRY CORNER.. PROBABLY GONE NOW. BUT IF YOU SEE IT CHECK IT OUT. I READ THE FIRST POEM AND LIKED THE WAY YOU USE YOUR WORDS. I CAN TELL YOUR NOT FROM AROUND HERE. MAYBE IRELAND? GET BACK TO ME ON THAT...
:angel:

[Bob]

Dude! Do you gotta caps lock key?

[YesIndeed]

SIH: I'm from Australia... is it that obvious? (Not like this bothers me, I'm very patriotic.) And I think I've seen some of your poetry - I read through the Poetry Corner thread. It's still there - it just hasn't been posted in for a fair while.

Bob: *agrees*

[YesIndeed]

Um... I just wrote this... I'm kinda upset about the way ppl are talking about me n my boyfriend. (Thus the reason I haven't got a title yet... any suggestions?)


Boredom is driving me crazy
So that blood is staining my skin
And screams are peircing my ears
The light is blinding my eyes
My hunger is making me feel empty
The darkness is seeping into my soul
Eating my happiness, and scorning my pain.

People are ignorant, foolish and malicious
Playing with others feelings
Enforcing their own judgement
Onto the innocent
Condemning them
To a life of misery
And making them outcasts.


Any thoughts on furthering that? I'd love your input.

[Bob]

I like the feelings and general vibe of the poem Nat, but sorry .. I have a bit of a creative block right now and I can't help you with the title or any additional words! :(

Just keep it headed the way it is .. and you'll be fine .. :)

[Shogun]

Nat: For the title, If I can't get one off the top of my head, I just find two random words in the poem, and string them together with other words. For instance:
Blood of boredom
Foolish Blood
Scorning Happiness
Condemning the outcasts

*Note: The title rarely has to have anything to do with the poem et al.

To continue the poem, well, nobody else really can. A poem is an expression of your feelings, so express what you're feeling. Concentrate on your feeling until a sole sentance pops up into your mind, about how you're feeling, or just related to how you're feeling, write it down, and use that as the start of your next verse.

SIH: I beg to differ. You do rhyme. You just rhyme in random fashion, instead of in couplets triplets or quadruplets.

TO THIS I RAISE MY CUP
CELEBRATE MY FRIEND
CAUSE WHEN THE TIME IS NEAR
TO FEEL NO FEAR
YOU'LL KNOW SUCCESS IN THE END

is in the form of
A, B, C, C, B.

Nice poem though. Any chance you can life your finger off the shift key though? It gets really annoying. BTW, It's quite obvious to see where a person's from in this forum. In their little info box (With name, etc), You'll see a little flag. And the "Origin" sometimes contains useful info too.

I'll have to keep a closer eye on this thread! I was expecting new threads, not a continuation!
Nat, Your poetry shows strong feelings, feelings that need to be released. Write strong, write lots, and never lose sight of what you're aiming for.

I really gotta stop reading down, otherwise this post'll never end.
What have people been saying about you and your boyfriend? People can say some pretty harsh and nasty sh*t. I'm involved in it a lot of the time.

[Shogun]

And to show a bit of spirit,
here's something I wrote about 3 weeks ago.

Fearless:

It's time to go back,
To that which worked best.
I can no longer kiss,
I can only regress.
I know it by ear,
I've seen it, my fear.
You'll not after feel,
My tender caress.

- The Shogun

[YesIndeed]

Thanx Shogun...

[YesIndeed]

Originally posted by Shogun
And to show a bit of spirit,
here's something I wrote about 3 weeks ago.

Fearless:

It's time to go back,
To that which worked best.
I can no longer kiss,
I can only regress.
I know it by ear,
I've seen it, my fear.
You'll not after feel,
My tender caress.

- The Shogun

That's really powerful you know Shogun. I really like it. I'm sorry for not replying about it earlier. It's quality man. :)

[Space K 8]

that's some really great writing gang!
keep it up...I'd like to read more.

[spidergoolash]

how the hell did i miss this thread ??

really powerful writing, nattie. you've got amazing talent. like prox said, you need to post some of this stuff over at deviantart.

truly wonderful work by all involved here :) i need to print this thread out to read on my dinner break at work tonight.

[YesIndeed]

I had completely forgotten this thread and I wasn't going to post anything else in it... but I may as well! :) Here's one of my more recent writings.


The Lawnmower

I can hear the whirling of the blades,
They cut cleanly through the unresisting grass
But the engine is coughing
- It chokes on petrol fumes.

I can hear the whir, then the savage snap,
As the mower eats up sticks,
And all uncaring,
Shreds them among the grass.

The juice runs out of the broken stem-leaves,
Leaving a sticky sea of obsequious growth in the mowers wake.

The roaring lawn-eater defiles the flowers,
And leaves them bleeding amongst the grass,
Their gay heads no longer nodding,
But rolling, as their headless stalks march
With their severed shoulders raised towards the sky,
Standing proud and ugly amongst the ravaged grass.