Is a good divorce better than a bad marriage?

[GoingNova]

My parents were divorced when I was five. One of my parents left the other with no choice in the matter. I recently came across several articles, including this one (http://www.usnews.com/usnews/opinion/articles/001002/archive_012199.htm), which suggest that a bad marriage is better than a good divorce. I happen to agree.

Read the article (it is very short), and share your thoughts.

[Lil Bit]

So far right now it is working for me. I can't say for someone else, but sometimes you have to weather the bad to end up where you need to be. Also I think it depends on the amount of bad their is or the severity. Make any sense?

[poisonedwolf0110]

I agree with Mustang that it depends on the severity of wrong in the marriage. Like, let's say there is a lot of violence between the couple, and alchohol is involved and things like that, a good divorce would be best. But I know from experience that a divorce can be really hard. I never blamed myself, but one parent would put you on the spot, asking 'Would you rather live me or your mom?' My mom never did that, but my dad always would do something like that. And so wouldn't hurt his feelings, i would say you, then felt like i had betrayed my mom.

[Rascal]

Based on the article I'm a complete and total aberration. I don't think I suffer from any of the effects that the doctor described in there for kids that grew up with divorced parents. Mine divorced when I was 4 or 6 or something (before grade 1 I believe) and I think that I have grown up very healthily. From what I read just in that article, it sounds like a bad marriage isn't necessarily too bad, but the degree of bad (like Mustang said) should definately be a factor. If you are have plates thrown at you once a week, it's probably a good sign that you shouldn't be together. A better solution to all the divorces is for people to really know the person they are marrying and to be sure that they are getting the right guy for them. Marriage seems to be far too willy-nilly because of the option to divorce these days.

[Lil Bit]

My only drawback to divorce is that when or if I do divorce I think I will end up romantically lonely until my kids are grown. I would be afraid of choosing a new husband or boyfriend and he end up a toad. I never want to be put in a position where it's either he or my girls, I will choose my girls no question about that, but what if he ended up someone that I didn't think he could be and hurt one of my kids. I would hate to put them in jeopardy for my own personal needs and wants. My husband doesn't hit the kids, he yells , but he isn't even around enough to do that so I don't think they mind, but they hate when we fight. We even fight when we are not together so it doesn't make much difference to the kids. Though Megan has told me that she wishes we weren't together, she says I am happier. But as far as the bad marriage or the good divorce, I think sometimes it's a no win or lose situation.

[GoingNova]

I agree with Mustang that it depends on the severity of wrong in the marriage. Like, let's say there is a lot of violence between the couple, and alchohol is involved and things like that, a good divorce would be best. But I know from experience that a divorce can be really hard. I never blamed myself, but one parent would put you on the spot, asking 'Would you rather live me or your mom?' My mom never did that, but my dad always would do something like that. And so wouldn't hurt his feelings, i would say you, then felt like i had betrayed my mom.

I think this situation would be a divorce by default. No one is expected to stay with a drunk who is abusive. I believe what the general point is that people give up too easily now a days when it comes to marriage.

I suffer several of the things mentioned in this article and others. I would never have known it had I not gave it tremendous amounts of thought. Not to get to far into my personal life, but, I think divorce is a last option to be used for extreme circumstances, not for when couples "just no longer get along or enjoy each other's company".

My wife and both come from divorced homes, and we both agree that we do not want to ever get a divorce, and we actuall argue more than most couples. So far so good. :)

[GoingNova]

Based on the article I'm a complete and total aberration. I don't think I suffer from any of the effects that the doctor described in there for kids that grew up with divorced parents. Mine divorced when I was 4 or 6 or something (before grade 1 I believe) and I think that I have grown up very healthily. From what I read just in that article, it sounds like a bad marriage isn't necessarily too bad, but the degree of bad (like Mustang said) should definately be a factor. If you are have plates thrown at you once a week, it's probably a good sign that you shouldn't be together. A better solution to all the divorces is for people to really know the person they are marrying and to be sure that they are getting the right guy for them. Marriage seems to be far too willy-nilly because of the option to divorce these days.
Rascal, you are an aberration! :toothy6:

Seriously though, you seemed to have picked up what my wife and I have: a great respect for marriage, and a strong desire to marry the right person. In that regards, we are alike. For me, it is simple: I would never want to put my son through what I went through.

It is really isn't rockey science when you think about it. All a child knows is his mommy and his daddy at first. He/she then grows up and learns all about the world. In the ideal situation, no matter what bad he/she sees on the outside, he/she still has the safety net of a mommy and a daddy. In my opinion, when parents get divorced, they remove that safety net. They teach a child that marriage IS NOT forever. Marriage IS NOT a guarantee. Their wedding vows sounded really nice.... but were just words without meaning. This may sound very harsh, but I believe it to be a reality.

I am not sure I am wording it right, and I hope I am explaining my thoughts correctly.

[Lil Bit]

But what happens when one half of the couple gives everything they can, but the other half doesn't give any effort at all? Then what does that teach the child? I would see where it would either teach the child to be selfish like the taker/not giver or to be the door mat like the giver/not taker. I mean shouldn't both sides work at the relationship or is it really supposed to rest on the shoulders of only one person?

[Damm]

Well...I don't know if my opinion counts, since I've been told that I'm an "exception to every rule" more than once in my life. For one, it's hard to classify a "typical" divorce experience.

Like Rascal, I don't really see myself reflected in any of the behaviour in the article. Only one point really jumped out at me: Less likely to care for an elderly parent - I agree, resentment never goes away. I would do as little as possible to care for my father in his old age, but that is largely because I'm pretty sure his current "family" will take care of it, and besides Dad's loaded, he doesn't need my help. He can pay for it from professionals. My Mum I would look after, because she's given me my grocery money for the past 4 years while I've been at school, she's helped pay for my trips, and been amazingly supportive of all my crazy dreams.

Now...there is a seperate issue I have with Trust. It has honestly taken me 3 years to finally believe that my best friend isn't about to ditch me at a moments notice. You COULD attribute this little probem to my parents divorce...or I could list some other things that happened the year my parents seperated: My bestfriend moved away and started going to another school, my friend next door moved away...and my teacher of 3 years quit my private school, founded another school, and half of my entire school switched over to his school...leaving me with only ONE PERSON from my former friend group, and I didn't even like her that much...

Now...that all happened when I was about 10 years old. I don't really think it's presumptuous to think that it might have affected my ability to trust people's "staying power."

In terms of JUST my parents divorce, I really only remember not liking the fact that mum was upset. Other than that, all I remember is how much better things suddenly got when dad left. My siblings and I were happier. We actually were the first people to tell mum just to get a divorce (my sister also adding on that she could get an amazing amount of child support with 4 kids at home)...mum didn't actually get a legal divorce until 9 years later.

It's not so much the divorce/seperation that I even resent towards my father...it's the lying and the trickery done by my father afterwards. A GOOD divorce, would have been a godsend...what we went through was a lying one-sided divorce. I would never enter into marriage lightly, nor leave one on flimsy excuses. I try my best in life to be honest and keep my promises, and marriage would be no different.

I voted "not sure" though...because honestly, I can't say what it would be like if Dad had stayed, and like I said what is a "typical" divorce? My dad was a cheat and a liar, still is in my opinion. It wasn't that mum and him had fights...it was just him...leaving. If he had stayed? Would we have found out about the mistress? Would he have KEPT the mistress? How would knowing my father kept a mistress affect my emotional wellbeing and future relationships? Whose done a study on that?

[ANGLOIRISH]

Divorce is murder on the children, especially when the mother plays them against their father. My nephew's children especially his son wants more contact with his father, however, his mother plays head trips on the young lad and makes his life hell when he says that he would like to visit his Dad. Although the court has granted week-end visits (every second week-end) the ex sees to it that there is always an excuse for the children not to visit. My nephew refuses to press the issue because he is aware of her tricks and knows the emotional harm she inflicts on the two kids.

The ex receives over $3000 a month child support, she has remarried and is well off, yet she still is getting the children to ask for more from their Dad. As recently as the first of the summer, the boy told his father that he had to get a summer job because his mother is having hardwood floors laid in the home and the young fellow has to pay for the new floor in his bedroom. The kid is 15 years old. The house belongs to his step-father and his mother yet he has to pay for a new floor in his bedroom? The girl is 13 years old but she doesn't have to pay for her new floor. The floors were being done because my nephew's ex- wife's brother was being married and she wanted to have the home renovated so she could have relatives go there after the ceremonies. Too me that is asinine. A divorce in this case was well warranted. Personally I don't believe he should have ever married her. But hey who am I too say. I started the whole divorce trend in my family 30 years ago when I was the first in a large Irish Catholic family to bail out of my trip into hell. LOL Then again I refused to have children until I was assured that the relationship would work. Mine was a "wait and see" marriage. I said "wait"; she said "see ya'!"

[Damm]

I'm beginning to think there is no such thing as a "good" divorce. There always seems to be these political undercurrents that arise in the family...who do you visit when? How accepting do you have to be of your parent's new mates. Are you as accepting of a former mistress as you are of someone they met after marriage? Do you give the faulted parent whatfor, at the risk of losing the financial support you so desperately need?

Politics. The should do a study to see how many children of divorce get involved in politics. It'd either be few, because they get enough of it at home, or there may be a group of very successful former children of divorce because they built up a resistance to political backstabbing and conspiracies early in life.

As for a bad marriage being better though...I'm still not sure on that one. I know at least one couple who has to attend regular couples-shrink sessions because they began to repeat their parents bad-marriage behaviour in their relationship...though, I suppose that particular case was what I would consider a case of verbal-abuse, which I suppose is considered a "special case" in this study.

[Rascal]

i think my family might be a situation of a good divorce. i don't exactly know why my parents got divorced, other than my dad is an argumentative type and that annoys my mom. so perhaps it just reached a point where they could not live together. but there wasn't any animosity between them and to this day they still remain friendly. i lived with my mom predominantly and went to see my dad every other weekend, he was usually busy with work so this worked out well. he paid his child support without question and i had a good time with both parents. there wasn't any court order that i had to go with my dad every other weekend, that was just mutually agreed. eventually it just became a situation where if i wanted to see my dad (or he see me) it would just get done. so rather than living in a family situation where there was constant bickering and fighting i grew up in a situation where i still feel i had a mother and father, they just didn't live together. if anyone is having trouble imaging what a "good divorce" is, i think that that would be a very good example of it. personally, thinking about it now, i would rather be in that situation as a child than having to deal with a "bad marriage".

[GoingNova]

My wife's mother and dad had the PERFECT divorce! In fact, just yesterday, my wife and I, our son, and her mother, all had dinner at her father's house.... with her father's NEW wife!

The trouble is, with my wife and let's say Rascal, we don't know the positive impact of living with two parents would have had, since it did not happen. I know my wife was affected negatively by the divorce. I was. Both of us would have been better off had our parents stayed together.

Divorce sucks, we all agree. Divorce is preferable to an abusive relationship, we all agree. Today, since divorce is not nearly as frowned upon as it was, say 30 years ago (hell, it is more or less accepted), couples are too abet to get one instead of going that extra yard to try and save the marriage. I THINK we can all agree on that too.

[icpfreaker05]

I would have to say a good divorce. If you just stay together for offspring, it could damage them. Make them mean asses or something. Lol. Because look at me?